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I picked Dr. Nick Riviera because he has never not been funny, and this following transcripts from his appearances on The Simpsons has shown. All highlighted sentences are sounds you can listen to.
Portions of the following have been typed from memory, so there may be inaccuarcies opr a Dr. Nick appearence that has been left out. If you know of something wrong here, or have something to contribute, email me. I would do the same for you.
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Episode 7F10: Bart Gets Hit by a Car.
Bart is hit by Mr. Burns' car and Homer decides to sue Mr. Burns because he is rich. Homer hires ambulance chaser, Lionel Hutz as a lawyer. The two scheme to embelesh bart's not so serious injuries. We are then introduced to Dr. Nick who is hires to exaggerate Bart's injuries in court.
Dr. Nick:"Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at these x-rays. You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint...no, that's trauma!"
Hutz: "Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?" Dr. Nick: "Oh, sure...tons of it. Just say when!"
Episode 7F13: Homer Vs. Lisa and the Eighth Commandment
This episode concerns Lisa, who doesn't like it when Homer steals cable.
Dr. Nick appears on the infomercial "I Can't Believe They Invented That" hawking a candy bar that actually cleans and straightens teeth. It's the first use of his classic line "Hi everybody!"
Dr. Nick: "Hi Everybody!"
Crowd:"Hi Dr. Nick!"
Episode 8F07: Saturday's of Thunder
Dr. Nick appears again in "I Can't Believe" as the inventor of Spiffy, a super polish.
Troy McLure: "I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera."
Dr. Nick: "Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!"
Crowd: "Hi, Dr. Nick!"
Dr. Nick: "Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allen Poe!" [reveals moldy gravestone]
Troy: "One of our best writers."
Dr. Nick: "Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore."
Troy: "So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away."
Dr. Nick: "Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm!"
[applies Spiffy, mold vanishes, shine appears]
Crowd: "Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!"
Troy: "Quoth the raven, 'What a shine!'"
Homer: [watching from home] "Ooooh! That's one clean tombstone!"
Dr. Nick: "I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!"
Crowd: "Boooo!" [a chair is heaved on stage]
Troy: "I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor."
Homer: "Yeah, give us a break, doctor!"
Dr. Nick: "Okay, I'll throw in a bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!"
[crowd applauds]
Episode 9F09: Homer's Triple Bypass
Dr. Nick preforms homers discount surgery. It's his biggest role on the series.
Dr. Nick: "I'll perform any operation for $129.95! Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap!"[Man with stiches across forehead struggles with trap] "All right, Fred. You've tried the best, now try the rest! Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain! "
Nick: Hi everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera!
PA: "Doctor Riviera, Doctor Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately!"
Dr. Nick: "The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy! Well, see you in the operating place!"
[He opens the door and revealing a crowd of hyper reporters]
Reporter: "Where are the bodies?"
Dr. Nick: [shuts the door]
"Such a beautiful day. I think I'll go out the window." [jumps out]
[To learn how to do open heart surgery, Dr. Riviera watches a video.]
TV Doctor: "...and then, you make the incision below the collarbone."
Dr. Nick: "Oh, no. Blood! Oh, no, someone taped over the end of this!"
[Dr. Nick enters the soperating room. There is an ampitheaature above to view the operation]
Dr. Nick: "Hi, everybody!"
Crowd: "Hi, Dr. Nick!"
Dr. Nick: "Now, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! One hand washes the other. Oh, that reminds me! These gloves came free with my toilet brush!
[The surgery begins. The plot is INTENSE.]
Dr. Nick: "Calm down, Nick. Just think back to medical school."
[Scene fades back to a hippie drinking party at Hollywood Upstairs Medical School. Dr. Nick has his arm around a chick.]
Dr. Nick: "Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!"
[Back to the surgery.]
Dr. Nick: "I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where? "
Lisa:[from theater] "Hey! The incision should be made below the blockage! Below!"
Dr. Nick: "Thanks, little girl!
The knee bone's connected to the something,
The something is connected to the red thing,
The red thing is connected to my wrist watch --
Uh oh.
Dr.Nick: "Good news! The operation was a complete success!. Well, if it isn't my good friend Mr. McGregg, with a leg for am arm, and an arm for a leg!"
Episode 9F20: So it's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
Bart really really shakes up a beer for Homer. When Homer opens it, the blast knocks him into a coma. This episode turns into a clip show as the family remembers some of Homer's funniset moments up to then
Mr. Burns is not happy that he has to pay for Homer's hospital stay, so he brings in Dr. Nick.
this episode is not rerun often, so if you get a chance to see it, tape it. it's a tresure.
Dr. Nick:[pokes Homer, Homer squeaks]"Oh no! I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we'd better pull the plug."
Episode 9F20: Marge in Chains Dr. Nick appears foe a third time on "I Can't Believe They Invented That", now as the inventor of a loud, crappy juicer.
Troy McLure: "DOCTOR, ARE YOU SURE IT'S ON?!"
Dr. Nick: "IT'S WHISPER QUIET!"
Episode 2F20: Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part Two)
Burns has just awoken from his coma, and Dr. Nick examines him.
Dr. Nick: "Hi everybody!"
Burns: "Hom er Simp son."
Dr. Nick: "Okay...that was a little strange.Um, tell me: how are you feeling today?"
Burns: "Homer. Simpson, Homer. D'oh...Simpson."
Dr. Nick: "Hmm. That seems to be all you can say.
When you were in that coma, did you fell your brain getting damaged?"
Episode 2F32: 'Round Springfield
Dr. Nick is Bart's anesthesiologist for his appendix removaling operation.
Dr. Nick: "OK, Bart, I will count to three, and you will be sound asleep. One, two, three...out like a light!"
[Bart's eye's close.]
Dr. Hibbert: "Scalpel."
Bart: [awakes and screams] "Aah!"
Dr. Nick: "Whoopsie, heh. Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs. Hey, I smell gas...pleasant gas. Night-night gas..."
[falls asleep]
Episode 3F05: King Size Homer
Homer wants to weigh 300 pounds to qualify and collect workmen's comp. Little voice of reason, Lisa tries to talk her dad out of it without success. Homer then goes to Dr. Hibbert for advice.
Dr. Hibbert: "My God! That's monsterous. I'll have no part of it."
Homer: "Can you recommend a doctor that will?"
Dr. Hibbert: "Why, yes!"
Dr. Nick: "Hi everybody!"
Homer and Bart: "Hi Doctor Nick!"
Dr. Nick: "Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology."
Homer: "Of course."
Dr. Nick: "You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!"
Homer: "What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?"
Dr. Nick: "Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,"
Bart: "You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!"
Dr. Nick: "Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!"
Episode 3F18: 22 Short Films About Springfield One film concerns Dr. Nick's malpractice suit.
[he sees Smithers lying in the street from an allergic bee sting. Smithers is allergic to bees, they cause him to die.]
Dr. Nick: "Holy smokes, you need booze!"
[Nick walks in to the malpractice hearing.]
Dr. Nick: "Hi, everybody!"
Board: "Hi, Dr. Nick!"
Chairman: "Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant."
Dr. Nick: "But I cleaned them with my napkin."
Chairman: "Misuse of the cadavers."
Dr. Nick: "I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane."
[An orderly interrups the hearing yelling that there's a crazy man in the ER demanding to see a quack. the crazy man is Abe Simpson. Dr. Nick takes charge and asks what is wrong. Abe tells him]
Dr. Nick"Sir, calm down, you're going to give yourself skin failure. The symptoms you describe lead me to believe that you are suffering from bonus eruptus, a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. The only way to stop it is through transdental electromicide. I'll need a golf cart motor and a thousand volt capacimator, stat."
[A two-second hesitation pushes him past schedule. Nick improvises with cords from a lamp and shocks Abe. The malpractice charges are dropped and cheers go to Dr. Nick.]
Dr. Nick: "Free nose jobs for everyone!"
[he spots big nosed Jasper]
Dr. Nick:"Starting with you."
Jasper: "I want a Van Heflin."
Episode 3F20: Much Apu About Nothing
We discover that Dr. Nick is an illegal immigrant when the camers shows him taking the citizenship test. He passes by writing the answers on his arm.
Episode 3F24: El Viaje Mysterioso de Nuestro Homer
Every time Marge talks to Reverend Lovejoy at the chili cookoff, Dr. Nick is walking in the background dressed like a cowboy.
Episode 3G01: The Springfield Files
In the second Simpson cross-over episode, Fox Mulder and dana scully from The X-Files come to investigate alien reports by Homer Simpson. the alien turns out to be Mr. Burns. every Friday, Dr. Nick preforms life longing operations on Burns, who is drug-out afterwards and wonders off. He also glows in the dark from all his time at thr plant.
Dr. Nick: "Don't worry, you won't feel a thing....till I jam this down your throat!"
Dr. Nick: "The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money."
Episode 4F13: My Sister, My Sitter
Bart resents having Lisa for a babysitter and causes all sorts of wacky problems for her, the most serious of which is when he dislocates his houlder and knocks himself un-conscius. Fearing she will lose her babysiting carrear if she goes to the hospital, she puts Bart in a wheel barreal and goes off to Nick Rivieara's late night clinic.
Dr. Nick: "You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court."
Episode 5F01: The Cartridge Family
Dr. Hibbert is strangling Dr. Nick during a soccer riot.
Episode 5F03: Bart Star
At the health fair, Dr. Nick runs a booth with a sign that reads "What's your sex?"